| Author | Message | ||
| Vienna
Senior Member Username: vienna Post Number: 328 Registered: 11-1998 |
Otto of Roses At twenty-one, he carved the exact shape of his cheekbones into the wall at the corner of Morley Street and Cleveland. Police came, I laughed into the farthest corner of disbelief, but he was still dead. Instantaneous split second gone. Beautiful in blue, the sort of satin light just rolls on and off and plays with. I could kiss the right side, anywhere between temple and lips. ‘be careful of the nose, we couldn’t do anything about the eye area- but dressings are quite usual in these cases’. The man I would have married but never made love to is waxen cold. A lock of hair curls into the skew hollow of cracked collarbone, beneath blue is bluer heart, stagnant lungs. He is beautiful and smells of roses. No one ventured further than the vestibule staffed by the owl faced, stately man. They left bouquets, wailed befittingly between Scotch on the rocks and salmon sandwiches. Mother, brothers, none wanting that last truth, Die, and you are no longer what you were. I remember the heaviness of your hand, how your curl of fingers could not be undone. How lips, although lifeless, still retained a colour that invited a kiss; perfect curve, unbloodied by speed and suddenness. Izmir bazaar, Grasse; you come to me always. 'All of us get lost in the darkness Dreamers learn to steer by the stars' Neil Peart My poetry books at Lulu http://people.lulu.com/users/index.php?fHomepage=101596 | ||
| marty
Advanced Member Username: marty Post Number: 622 Registered: 10-2003 |
Vienna, This left me breathless. This section/stanza was a brave attempt... I remember the heaviness of your hand, how your curl of fingers could not be undone. How lips, although lifeless, still retained a colour that invited a kiss; perfect curve, unbloodied by speed and suddenness. Those lines forced the reader to go and see, and be really close to a lifeless body, and see beauty in death. I felt that this was the center of the poem and the lines that had the most impact on this reader. Beautiful writing Cheers Brethren Marty | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1665 Registered: 08-2003 |
Hi V, S4 came as a chilling revelation. There being such fear in no longer occupying a body for many. I won't nit much because I love it all, just a little personal discomfort with "laughed into the farthest corner of disbelief." Seemed a slight bit of forced language. Wonderful to read you, as always. E | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1834 Registered: 12-2003 |
V, Wonderfully written. Jim My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.com. | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5050 Registered: 11-1998 |
You did well with this one, my sister. Very intense opening -- I particularly liked "laughed into the farthest corner of disbelief." Odd the reactions we have at the height of trauma. When Miles died, I was saying some pretty idiotic things. Shock will do that to a person and you captured it well. The only part that seemed awkward to me came here: "Beautiful in blue, the sort of satin light just rolls on and off and plays with." I had to read it a couple of times to get the rhythm. I think breaking it differently would solve that problem: "Beautiful in blue, the sort of satin light just rolls on and off and plays with." I might even go beyond just breaking that way and try not to end the sentence with the preposition "with." That always makes for a sort of discomfort. But the rest was superb. Great work. | ||
| Vienna
Senior Member Username: vienna Post Number: 329 Registered: 11-1998 |
Thanks friends. You know, this was meant for a challenge set weeks ago  What disquieted me most was the memory of laughter, so I really am at a loss with that, M you like it, E, you didn't, mmm... a rephrase on this one is difficult ...suggestions most welcome. Love, V -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Otto of Roses At twenty-one, he carved the exact shape of his cheekbones into the wall at the corner of Morley Street and Cleveland. Police came, I laughed into the farthest corner of disbelief, but he was still dead. Instantaneous split second gone. Beautiful in blue, the sort of satin light just rolls on and plays with. I could kiss the right side, anywhere between temple and lips. ‘be careful of the nose, we couldn’t do anything about the eye area- but dressings are quite usual in these cases’. The man I would have married but never made love to is waxen cold. A lock of hair curls into the skew hollow of cracked collarbone, beneath blue is bluer heart, stagnant lungs. He is beautiful and smells of roses. No one ventured further than the vestibule staffed by the owl faced, stately man. They left bouquets, wailed befittingly between Scotch on the rocks and salmon sandwiches. Mother, brothers, none wanting that last truth, Die, and you are no longer what you were. I remember the heaviness of your hand, how your curl of fingers could not be undone. How lips, although lifeless, still retained a colour that invited a kiss; perfect curve, unbloodied by speed and suddenness. Izmir bazaar, Grasse; you come to me always. 'All of us get lost in the darkness Dreamers learn to steer by the stars' Neil Peart My poetry books at Lulu http://people.lulu.com/users/index.php?fHomepage=101596 | ||
| Dan Cox
New member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 48 Registered: 08-2005 |
Vienna, I really loved this. As for your problem with the memory of laughter in S1, I agree with M, it is an odd, but not unbelievable reaction. I was thinking of other verbs with less joyous connotations you might use, but nothing really fit. So, I say stick with laughed. I also liked "wailed befittingly between Scotch on the rocks and salmon sandwiches." captured the awkward, forced emotion of a funeral. powerful work. | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2400 Registered: 12-2003 |
Vienna, hard to say wonderful about a poem of loss, but you captured it wonderfully. Only bump for me was S2L2, I keep wanting to know "with" what, or maybe add a "that" at the beginning of the line: "that light just rolls on and plays with". But, maybe that's just me. K | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2799 Registered: 07-2002 |
Vienna, The whole of stanza 4 is so strong. That stanza alone worth the price of admission here. My only question was the last line--the reference escapes me, sorry. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1268 Registered: 12-2003 |
This is stunning writing Vienna. I have no suggestions of my own.. just fantastic, especially that final S. A fine read. lia | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1211 Registered: 11-2003 |
fabulous poem, V, so glad to have read it. You get better and better. Laurie |
